Hello, friend!đ
One day in 2017, my parents were taking me back to Canterbury where I lived for university. I was my usual mixture of excited and nervous â I never did quite settle in to being away from my close-knit family.
We didnât get 5 minutes down the road when we ended up stuck on the A13, completely still, due to a bad car accident. We were there for hours. When we passed the wreckage later, I stared at it so hard while feeling a pang of sorrow in my chest. âNo one could have survived that,â I said to my parents, while they made agreeing noises, too stunned for words.
Later, the accident was in the local news and we found out that no one died. What a miracle! We were over the moon, but thatâs not my point, I just thought youâd like to knowđ
Do you look at the wreckage? Or do you look away?
When youâve been in a car, passing the site of an accident â a bad one â do you look right at it? Or do you look away? If you look right at it, is it an âI canât look awayâ morbid curiosity? Or is it coming from genuine concern, a longing to help? When you look away, is it out of respect for those hurt? Or is it to soothe your own discomfort?
When youâve been stuck in standstill traffic â collateral to a bad accident â how does it feel? What do you think about? What emotions does it conjure up in you? Do you become increasingly annoyed? Angry, even? Or do you feelâŚlucky? Lucky to be merely inconvenienced, lucky to be in the traffic instead of in the event that caused the traffic? Lucky that this is just one part of your day, your week?
My point isâŚwhen we encounter situations like this â when we are stuck in traffic or pass by an accident â we have a few choices. Look at it, donât look at it, glance at it, stare at it to soothe our own curiosity, pray for them, take pictures to show your friends, etc.
We have our own feelings: âThis is so annoyingâ âI hope everyoneâs okayâ âIâm going to be lateâ âthis is going to ruin my dayâ âI canât sit in this uncomfortable car seat with these annoying people for any longer otherwise I will go crazyâ. We might get irritated due to being stuck in a small space, possibly with no drinks or food (luckily there was a food truck in the traffic right by usđ).
We have options of how we think about or tell the story â centre ourselves and our inconvenience, or otherwise.
ButâŚ
What about when you are the wreckage on the side of the road?
What about when you are the thing that the existence of causes other people discomfort?
What about when you are what people get to choose whether they look straight at or look away? Only interact with to soothe their own curiosities?
What about when you are whatâs causing the âtrafficâ? Causing people to be late, to have to work harder, to be uncomfortable or evenâŚin painâŚfor watching you in pain?
I am the wreckage on the side of the road
I donât get to choose whether to look straight at myself or my situation, because I am bang smack in the middle of the twisted metal of it. But other people sure do! Other people get to choose whether they acknowledge it, or pretend not to see it. Whether they interact with it only to pry â sometimes to soothe their own guilt, momentarily â or to actually help.
Other people get to choose whether they look straight at me and my pain, and for how long. They get to decide that it is âtoo muchâ, âtoo sadâ, âtoo painfulâ, âawkwardâ âmiserableâ âdistressingââŚyou get the picture. They get to decide to look away.
I have to sit in it every single second. I have to feel every excruciating inch of it; physically, mentally, emotionally, spirituallyâŚconstantly.
Those of us who are the wreckage, know we are. We know. We know that our existence, the existence of our situation, makes other people want to run in the other direction (after theyâve had a good nose, a good stare, a lot of the time). We know we remind people of the existence of their worst nightmares.
We know weâre the source of our loved ones grief and angst, and it is awful knowing that.
But whatâs even worse, is knowing that people turn away from tragedy, they turn away from things that cause them unease, and constantly being on the receiving end of that.
If you love the wreckage, stop looking away
On the day I got to walk on the A13, one of the first things I said when we realised we would be there a while, something I managed to teach my parents that day, I think â âat least we werenât involved in what caused the trafficâ. I was 19 or 20, and I knew enough. I had been through enough to know that we were the lucky ones, no matter how long we were there for. No matter the inconvenience we experienced, we were lucky.
Itâs okay to privately acknowledge âIâm grateful thatâs not meâ, we know we make people count their lucky stars. In fact, speaking for myself? I want people to. I want them to appreciate what they have that I donât, and not take it for granted.
But please, stop looking away from peopleâs pain. Itâs okay to look away from the literal wreckage on the side of the road when you genuinely canât do anything to help; but with your loved ones, you can. You can be there for those you claim to love when they are going through something that is unpalatable for you.
You can push past your initial instinct to recoil and protect your comfort, and be there for them. You can sacrifice a little bit of time and energy to really see them, and show them that theyâre not too much, not for you, not right now. You can hold their hand and show them that someone is there to help them in the ways that they need; that someone wants to and is willing to.
I know itâs difficult when something is unfixable, but itâs even harder for them to absorb that reality.
People go as far as to tell themselves âthereâs nothing I can doâ when the person is screaming out for help, and handing them all the answers on a silver platter â âI just need you to listen, I donât need adviceâ, âI need you not to change the subjectâ, âI need you not to centre yourself when Iâm talking about my painâ, etc. They pretend not to hear, and tell themselves thereâs nothing they can do because itâs easier to absolve yourself of all responsibility than it is to temporarily put yourself in an uncomfortable position in order to be there for someone else in the way that they need.
When theyâre brave enough, have enough respect for you, value your relationship enough to tell when youâve looked away in some form, it might be easier to tell yourself theyâre âasking for too muchâ âoverreactingâ or theyâre being âoversensitiveâ than it is to admit to yourself that you did put yourself first in a moment where you shouldnât have, but you have to push past that defensiveness. Donât let yourself off the hook. Youâre only human, of course youâll make mistakes, of course youâll instinctively look away sometimes.
ButâŚ
If you love them, if you care about them, take a deep breath, andâŚ
Sit in it with them, sit in their pain, just for a little while.
Be honest with yourself about the ways you have avoided this in the past, and just do what you can. Do what you can when you actually make a real, conscious effort â when you donât centre yourself.
Push past the instinct to change the subject, to make it about yourself, to run away, to pretend itâs not happening, to say nothing at all and abandon them. Push away the thoughts of âsomeone else will help themâ âthereâs nothing I can doâ âIâll help tomorrowâ. Take a deep breath, and sit in it with them for a little while.
Ruminate on it. Marinate in it. Cry about it. Put yourself in their position â let yourself imagine it is you who is that wreckage, and help them. I know itâs hard, but please, look straight at their pain, no matter how painful it is for you.
Love them enough to push past your unease. Love them enough to centre them. Love them enough to listen to what they need. Love them enough to disregard your assumptions and your first instincts, and really consider what theyâre going through.
Because if everyone just looks out for themselves, if everyone constantly prioritises soothing the feelings this personâs situation brings up for them, if everyone believes that itâs the duty of someone else to help them, that person is not going to survive.
And no matter who you think is there for them, theyâre not going to be able to do it 100% of the time, just like you wouldnât be able to.
Look straight at them, and be in it with them, just for a little while; because they donât get a choice. They donât get a break â but you do.
So when you can, when they need you to, look straight at them. You may just save their life.
Lots of love,
Cyreneđ
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Such a powerful piece Cyrene, and a powerful metaphor. I'm grateful to you for sending me this reminder - from the wisdom you own, which is so hard-earned. I'm not looking away đđťđ